Bretzinshow

Ken: So here's the theme.

It's 2002.

I'm wearing a gold lame top that I
purchased from Gad zoos and have altered

to look more distressed, tattered.

Some may

go so far to even say slave like

combat

boots, gold spray painted handcuffs.

You guessed

correctly.

I am performing one of Britney
Spears' biggest singles for

my high school senior project

And yet somehow with the
picture I painted for you.

My family still thought I was

straight.

Today we're talking about coming out
curated closets and the emotional hangover

that you feel when you do show up,

but still feel like you need to shrink.

Let's get into it.

Hey, showstopper, Ken here.

How are ya?

How's the heat treating you?

It's

uh,

I'm not gonna miss my words.

It's beating my ass.

But, uh, we are

are almost through the

month of June and we're closing out Pride

month

This week we're talking about what
happens when you finally start

showing up as yourself, regret it, and

then

immediately feel like you need to

shrink.

Have

you ever said or posted
something that felt

sounded so like you.

and then proceeded to
nose dive, spiral into

that

just ruined your life.

Your reputation.

Yeah.

That that's what we're talking

about.

Today's story starts with a
thematically inappropriate costume.

A Britney Spears dance routine,

and a family that swore up and down
that I was heterosexual while I was

firmly in my light in the loafers era.

When my tank had so much sugar
in it that I'm surprised I

wasn't tested for diabetes.

But what it's really
about is the emotional

hangover that hits after
you let yourself be seen,

Whether you've ever been outed

called too much, or just question
whether your real self was too

risky, this episode's for you,

but before we unpack my business,
let's get into everyone else's in the

segment we like to call Tapped in.

Today we have a very, very
special, hopefully recurring

guest and that is my husband's

he is going to be serving as a
producer for the pod and making it a

little less awkward, so I don't feel
like I'm talking here into the void.

So Justin.

Hello.

Welcome babe.

Justin: Oh, hello.

Ken: Justin's going to be helping really
introduce and bring some of the topics

that we're gonna cover and hopefully get
my hot, maybe sometimes lukewarm takes on.

So babe, take it away.

Justin: Alright, the Traders
season 4 cast just released Now

lots of great people, however.

I'm curious to get your take
on the housewives of it all.

So I'm going to give you each of
the housewives that are gonna be

joining the cast, gimme a quick idea
as to how you're feeling about that.

We're gonna start with Candace
Diller Bassett from The

Real Housewives of Potomac.

Ken: She's in like my top 10 housewives.

This may mean that she's not necessarily
destined to be like the fill in

replacement for Karen hugger since
she is kinda clanked up these days.

But, I'm glad to see
that she's back on tv.

I love me some Candace.

The mouth is reckless, but
sometimes that's what we need.

I love it.

Justin: You love some GR that cans that

Ken: Oh.

Justin: All right.

Real Housewives of
Dubai's, Carolyn Stanbury.

Ken: Is that the white one?

Justin: It is the white one.

Ken: Oh, okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Um, you know, the Dubai Girlies, I, I
Stanton also is the one who has like the

hot little pool boy as a husband, yes,

Justin: Sergio?

Yes.

I actually think he's gonna pull
up outside of the, the castle in

Scotland and just be, looking for her.

'cause he won't know
what to do without her.

Ken: Yeah, I think it's so interesting
because she's one of the housewives

who I don't really think of as having
kind of like a distinct personality.

I think of her in direct
relationship to her.

Utter ire disinterest in the
man that she's shacking up with.

So it'll be interesting to see
how she interacts with people

outside of, like her own franchise.

So I don't really have any expectations.

She's, she's very wealthy, very
white, and she has a fun accent.

So I mean, I, I guess she's just
going to be a good addition.

Justin: All right.

Dorinda Medley from the
Real Housewives of New York.

Back, back, back, Ian.

Ken: You know, she deserves a do-over.

She was robbed.

I don't know if there's a lot of
alcohol in the castle because,

Dorinda unhinged usually involves
like a bottle being, uncapped.

So, I am curious to see if
she's going to be like the

menace that I think she can be.

And, I am not wishing that anyone
is suffering from substance abuse,

so please, let's not think that.

But, yeah, I mean, I love me some
Dorinda, but again, she's another

person that I think so much.

In the context of the
people who she's around.

So just without that kind of New York
ecosystem, I'm just curious to see

how she's gonna thrive in the castle.

Justin: All right.

Lisa Rena, formerly of The Real
Housewives of Beverly Hills.

Ken: Just top tier mess.

I, she's very different than Fedra,
but I think she's going to give that.

The mouth is very quick.

She's always trying to stir up things.

She was a soap star, so she is.

She really is gonna turn it on.

I know that she's just going to like, show
up and show out when she's on camera, and

I'm ready to see those overfilled lips.

I think she's great.

I love Lisa Rena.

Hopefully, and I know we talked
about this before, I sometimes

hope that NBC is using traders as a
vehicle to either like soft relaunch.

People who aren't on TV anymore, whether
that be them going back to their own

franchises or doing something different.

So I'm excited to see
Lisa run it back on tv.

Justin: And finally, Porsche Williams
from The Real Housewives of Atlanta.

Ken: I love me some Porsche.

Portia thrives when she is responding
and reacting to other people around her.

She is so witty, so
unintentionally funny that I.

The mess in the Tom Foolery, like
she's someone who is not so self-aware

that she's just not going to like,
lean in and like really participate.

And I think she's just going
to be like so much fun.

She's gonna be paired with some very,
either I could see her in a scene

with like an uppity, very polished.

I am using this as a venture to like,
you know, launch some other like endeavor

who's someone who's super self-aware.

Kelle Kelle is a, a perfect example.

Um.

From, um, what's the, what's
the, the fake, um, real estate?

What, what,

Justin: selling sunset.

Ken: yes.

From selling sunset, she is like,
everything about her is just very.

Planned and very produced.

Portia is going to do so well because
she's so in the moment and I think

she throws people off in that way.

And I also think that she's going to
kind of give a little bit of Gabby where

people are going to sell her short,
but the girl knows what she's doing.

So very excited for Porsche.

Justin: All right.

Well, last season there was no.

Housewife as a trader.

We haven't sat in trader
housewife since Fader parks.

So of those five, who would you
most likely wanna see as a trader?

Ken: Portia, hands down

Justin: Oh, okay.

Ken: because I think all of
the others to varying extents.

I think someone may assume it's them.

I think that she will be able
to kind of fly under the radar

for a good period of time.

And now I'm not really sure what's gonna
happen when people start, suspecting

it's her and the heat gets turned up.

I think she may crumble, but up until then
I think that that's gonna be amazing tv.

Justin: Okay.

I thought you were gonna say Candace

Ken: I think people will think
that it's her and she, she.

I love the reckless mouth, Candace,
or at least earlier iterations,

of course, she's now a mother and
there's been some time, and I'm

assuming she's evolved and developed
further, but she's hyper defensive.

So my concern is if the wrong person
tries to come at her, I think that.

You know how like when these people
are trying to determine who's a

traitor and they're making these huge
deductive leaps, I think sometimes

the way she responds to things may put
people's antennae up really quickly.

So that's my only concern about Candace.

But will I do I think
she'd be amazing one?

Absolutely.

I just don't know how long
she would survive as one.

Justin: Of the five, finally,
who's the first one out?

Is it Dorinda again or someone else?

Ken: I personally think
Dorinda just because.

When people come back on that
franchise, I feel like everyone in

the castle already kind of suspects
them to be a traitor for some reason.

I don't know if production would let her
go out like that that fast if they're

bringing her back for a second time.

I just don't have much of
an opinion on Stanbury.

'cause I, I don't know how she is
going to present herself here, so

I don't have much opinion on her.

And then

who else?

Lisa

Justin: Lisa Rena.

Ken: I think she's another one
that people would suspect, but I

think who has the ability to go
the farthest because of ability

and, and Cunningness being cunning?

Is cunningness a word?

Justin: Yeah, let's say it is

Ken: I think Lisa Rena has the
potential to go the furthest.

okay, babe, take it away.

Justin: All right first up
today, uh, recently in a podcast

interview with everyone's favorite
internet, queen Tricia Pedi.

Patis asked Lizzo recording artist if
she has ever tried any sort of weight

loss drugs, and Lizzo acknowledged
that she has tried everything.

She says I've tried everything.

It's just the science for me.

Calories in versus calories out.

Exem works because you eat less food.

That's it.

It makes you feel full.

So if you can just do that on your own
and get mind over matter, it's the same.

So Lizzo reveals that she has in fact
used Ozempic for weight loss thoughts.

Ken: And water is wet.

At this point it's a foregone conclusion
that most of the celebrity girlies

are on that shot, on that zippy.

Well, I know that I've, I know that
there's been some hashtag discourse

online about the body positivity.

Girlies no longer,

I know I've been seeing online
that there's some hashtag discourse

about the body positivity girlies
are no longer all about that base.

They're all about trying to uncover
those wastes just in time for summer.

Uh, similarly, the other day.

On TikTok I was swiping up really
fast and for a second there I

was like, now wait a minute.

Is that Britney Jean Spears on stage?

And lo and behold, it was
Meghan Trainor, teeny tiny,

all the skin was out.

And I also saw that she
changed the lyrics about.

Uh, all about that base.

Like, I don't know what she
said, but it's something about

all about that being skinny.

Justin: Oh.

Ken: So I don't, I think that what
everyone needs to remember is that

the, even if the message is about
all sizes matter, these are brands,

these are businesses, and the only
thing that they're consistently

trying to do is make money.

I think you can still bop
around to their songs if you

are a little more full figured.

But people getting mad about these
people dropping pounds, I just don't

really understand the point of it.

It doesn't make any sense to me.

So just let them women
be skinny and wealthy.

What's next?

Justin: All right, next up

recently an MIT study came out that shows
ChatGPT is harming critical thinking

skills, specifically in this case a.

Study was done in which some subjects
had to write some essays, some used

chat EPT while they were hooked up
to an EEG, um, and had found over the

series of essays, the chat EPT users
had the lowest brain engagement and

consistently underperformed at neural
linguistic and behavioral levels.

They also became much lazier
in their approach to thinking,

cha BT killing us all, or what?

Ken: This doesn't actually surprise me.

On one hand, people walk around
woefully ignorant every single

day and refuse to Google.

But then on the other hand, you have
people just giving up their whole

frontal cortex to the open AI girlies.

So, ooh, it's one of those things
where I, I think all tools have

the potential to be useful.

It's just, it really dependent
upon how they're used and w.

When we were growing up, we had to
use things like the card catalog.

Like we actually had to, scan through
books to do quote unquote research.

And while I'm not trying to do that
ever again, I can't say that it

wasn't impactful in my ability to
parse together information come to my

own conclusions and truly, I guess,
have your own voice, especially when

it relates to any sort of writing.

My bigger concern is with the youth,
they barely crack open books as it is,

and their brains are still developing.

So when we're kind of introducing
shortcuts into the way that they work

and approach their, their studies,
I mean, I feel like we're kind of

setting ourselves up for failure here.

What do you think?

You're a teacher, so what's
happening with the kids in the chat?

GPTs.

Justin: And all ai.

Ken: Oh.

Justin: I despise all of it.

Don't give me too much on my soapbox here.

But yeah not to sound
doom and gloom, boat.

We're screwed.

The, the thinking is not happening, and
the more willingness to allow other things

to think, the more that we're willing
to allow, I don't know, big corporations

and governments to think for us.

Uh, it's, it's a, it's dystopian to me.

So, yeah

Ken: oh boy.

I don't, and I don't even really
have any sort of advice about, about

how, how it should be used, because I
think that oftentimes the, the missing

piece for people is discernment.

And you should be able to
like, receive some information.

Go and check and verify that is accurate,
and that even that's even for Google.

Like sometimes, whether it's Google
search engines or even social media, w.

We are inundating with so much
information that we're not even like

going deeper to make sure that we a
vet it, understand the source, and

also even understand the context.

So

I can understand when everyone's
up fighting for attention span.

We are all having so many things
competing for our attention that we

all would benefit from a shortcut,
but there is a price to pay.

And I'm not just talking
about the environment.

Do you guys know that these, like
these AI servers, like they just can.

Totally gobble up Forest US impact
communities, like it's actually bad.

Meanwhile, I have a subscription to
every single one of these AI service.

Justin: And there it is.

Ken: But you know, with great
power comes great responsibility.

So I just try to use it sparingly and
we can define sparingly some other time.

Justin: Ten four.

Alright, uh, next up off of a run on
celebrity Big Brother UK where she met

her current boyfriend, Chris Hughes.

Jojo Siwa is expressing that she is,
had been feeling a little bit pressured

originally to come out as a lesbian.

She initially said
she's pansexual but now.

Uh, people didn't sort of understand
that, so she felt like she had to say

she was a lesbian and now she's just
wanting to proclaim that she is queer.

And she is open to any and sort
of all partners of all gender

identities and expressions.

Joe, just feeling the pressure.

Ken: Hmm.

I, first and foremost, who exactly was
pressuring the Lisa Frank trapper Keeper

come to life to identify as anything I
usually don't stay in children's business,

so I wasn't really familiar with her
until like I, you know, started kind of

blowing up a little bit on social media
and just tried to be a pop star who, who

told her that she needed to be anything.

Justin: that bow in her head?

Ken: I guess.

I mean, the only thing I think
she needs to be is quiet.

My thing about identity is I
think people should focus less on.

Categorizing themselves and just
feeling and experiencing and

being with whomever you want to.

I think sometimes the rush to say,
I'm this and this is what this means.

Especially when you're talking about like
very young people, I just think everyone

should just go lay down with whomever
they want to and leave us out of it.

But also, did she say that
she was like the first queer

icon or something like that?

Yeah, we need to look at that because
that's probably the bigger issue here is

when you set out to be the voice of the
people that, that nobody asked you to

be, this is what you set yourself up for.

She could have been in her Subaru,
in her flannel mind, her business.

And none of us would've
been any of the wiser.

Justin: Yeah.

Apparently back when Karma came out.

Mm-hmm.

You know that one.

She said that she wanted to start a
new genre of music called Gay Pop.

Ken: Girl.

Take you and your bow with your
boyfriend, girlfriend, them,

friend, and just be quiet.

That's what I would do.

Make some music, hit that
studio, drop some beats.

Or better yet, actually, let's
move away from the microphones

and let's just hit the stage.

Let's just do a little one, two step.

'cause it seemed to be that's where
your strength lied and it's when

you got in front of the microphone
that we started having a problem.

That's, I, that's probably my best advice.

Yeah.

Justin: And finally,
will you be getting a bu?

Ken: What is a little boo booo?

Justin: Oh, um, well, it is a like
six inch key chain of a little.

Childlike figure in a bunny costume,
making slightly creepy faces.

Ken: Is this like the, is
this like a new Pokemon or

Justin: mm-hmm.

You mean like Beanie Baby?

Ken: yeah, bean baby.

Justin: kind of.

Everybody has been adding
to the Labu Boo trend.

Dua Lipa has one.

Cher has one.

Bethany Frankel even took to
her YouTube to show off her.

Labu Boo.

Michelle Yo has one, David.

Beckham Bubu showed up at Paris
Fashion Week has protested ice.

They are the hot commodity that everybody
wants attached to a bag currently.

Ken: not that we were
having a political stance.

You also didn't name any children.

This is for grown folks.

Justin: Oh, no.

I mean, I think there's been some
children too, but at least celebrities

have been mostly grown folk.

Ken: Is it, is that
French or is what, what?

What is

Justin: I think the origin came from
some artist like actually included

them in their book of some sort a
Hong Kong born Netherlands rage,

Belgium based artist and illustrator.

Ken: well, they been everywhere.

Justin: Uh, it was putting
them in books and artwork since

2015, so bu was 10 years old.

But just recently they have been,
um, showing up as a key chain.

People have been selling them
out of stores, unboxing them

online of all sorts of things.

Ken: Well, you know, praise God.

There's something for everybody.

Um,

Justin: there's also
counterfeit labu boos.

Do you know what they're called?

Ken: what are they?

Justin: What do you think they're called?

A counterfeit la boo boo.

Ken: A, uh, a bulu.

Justin: How about a la?

Ken: I,

um, LA.

She sounds fierce.

I don't know.

I, I, I'm kind of living for
the counterfeit name over the

regular one, but, uh, wow.

The things that bring
people together, you know?

Hey it sounds like it's not
creating any harm, so have at it.

Labu Boo.

Come on Labu Boo.

It is 2002.

Britney Spears is everywhere.

We're still in our low rise jeans era.

You know, I had to let
my little V show too.

And I'm finishing my
senior year of high school

to graduate without spontaneously
combusting from gay tension.

Most of my friends knew I was

gay.

My ex-girlfriend knew I was gay.

Hi, Lisa.

I mean, it's fine.

It was like, what?

That's 20 years ago.

It's okay.

We were all growing and finding ourselves.

My fellow classmates who
bullied the shit out me.

Oh, they knew I was gay.

I had been mocked, called names
and picked apart for how I walked,

talked, and or existed
since elementary school.

So no,

this wasn't a secret,

If it was a secret, it was like the

worst kept one.

But here's what was weird.

Even

with all that noise and the
most obvious signs, my family

still acted as if they had no

clue.

No idea.

It was like we were

all part of this

unspoken contract.

They wouldn't ask and our show wasn't
going to tell, don't ask, don't tell

existed in my house before the government

adopted it,

if I just played it straight enough.

Got good grades, was respectful.

Didn't talk back, didn't say what

didn't cause any

trouble.

We

could all keep pretending I was
exactly who they wanted me to be.

At the time I didn't identify it
or think of it as feeling closeted.

It felt more like

I was cooperating,

like sure.

Sure, I'll maintain this facade as
long as I get to leave for college

and never come back here again.

You got it.

And to be fair, I tried
to keep up the act most of

the time, but then there were
other times, like my senior

project on Britney jean Spears,

and I think this was for English class,
so I could have just done a report.

But instead I did a performance,
I mixed in some recordings, and

this is back in the VHS days.

So there was no, there was no internet.

It was me like catching either award
show performances or total requests Live.

Remember them?

Oh my God.

RIP and Nanda Lewis.

Oh my god.

Rest in peace, queen.

But I had my little VHS tape
interviews, performances, et cetera.

My report and project culminated
with me performing slave for you.

Now,

this was, I'm pretty certain,

this is the first choreography
that I learned like.

Beginning to end and like, I mean,
to this day I have the muscle memory

to be just like,

uh uh,

Uhuh.

Like that

get nasty.

Wait, I can't do a microphone, get nasty.

I

wore this shiny gold top that I got from
Ga Zgs that I took some scissors to, and

in hindsight, I don't know, I must not
have really had any true friends because

I don't know how anyone, let me drew this.

if someone white did this.

They would be canceled.

But I also, I don't, this was
pre cancellation, so maybe

that wouldn't have happened.

but like, to me, this is like as bad
as blackface because I was trying

to make my outfit look like a slave.

I.

I don't

I.

I don't even think that Britney
and her song was really trying to

like go that far into the metaphor.

But like I was going

for.

Underground

railroad slave, but with gold flourishes.

Like, what the fuck?

What in the hell was going on in my head?

Like I could have sold the
visual without going that far.

And I had

my little, handcuffs because
had I known the foreshadowing of

how many times I would actually
be arrested in actual handcuffs

thereafter,

Gosh, I'm a prophet.

I didn't even know it.

I had a chain for a belt baby.

It's, it's easily one of the most
unhinged moments I can remember and

honestly

just truly iconic.

Like,

I remember getting set up for
the presentation and back then

in the classrooms it was like
the big box tv, on like a cart.

So like they had to roll the cart

out.

I was

like, get the cart.

Get the cart girls.

It's

showtime.

Okay, let me get my life together.

So do you have

that visual?

And somehow my family still
looked at me and was like,

yeah, yeah, yeah.

Um, yeah, he's straight.

Now if I told you I thought I was fooling
anyone at this point, it would be a lie.

Um,

but I guess I was hoping I.

They'd keep pretending with me.

Or at least ignore me and ignore it.

' I was so close to being free.

I was so close to getting out of my house,
getting out of my hometown, and going away

where I could truly be, quote unquote, me.

Because pretending felt
safer than the alternative.

For reference, and if I haven't mentioned
this before, my grandfather was a

pastor of a Baptist church, so obviously
my mother is a preacher's child and.

While

had like her out in the

streets moments, there was a

when

became saved and

She went a little further on
the religious spectrum than

even my grandfather probably.

And my mom and her siblings
are, very religious, and very

conservative.

So, fast forward a few months.

I'm a freshman in college.

I go to iu.

I think it's this iu.

Finally.

Free ish.

If there

was a closet for me, I couldn't GPS
back to it, didn't know where it was.

Big gay man on campus but there
was no dramatic declaration.

I was just living, that's
just a part of who I was.

but

in this new environment,

this new city, there was still

tension.

like I was waiting for
someone to call me out.

Not for being

gay, but

for being too much of it.

And again, point of reference.

This is 23 years ago,

so outside.

We've made a lot of progress.

I know there's still more
work to do, but 2002 was a

different

place.

I don't think of the LGBTQIA plus.

I don't think we had the I, the A,

plus.

Uh,

we barely had the TI
think it was just LG and B

then,

but, uh, I could be wrong.

We hadn't really started branching
out into like alphabet flavors yet.

It was just you're a boy or a
girl and you like the same shit.

You're gay.

Because

back home in my hometown.

I was still playing along with like
the narrative that was still very much

the

closet.

No one brought it up,

not even after

all of those years of everything,
and then came the mail.

Oh gosh.

It was.

The male gave me away the true villain
of this story is U-S-P-S-A relative.

We're

not naming names because
that's really not the

point.

A

relative visited my mom fall of freshman

year.

My mom, gave them some of
my mail to bring back to me.

Seemed harmless,

except this relative did
not believe in privacy.

They very much are of the mindset that.

Kids don't have belongings.

You don't own anything
'cause you don't pay bills.

So they decided to open
my mail and inside, if

you've ever gotten those,

like.

Coupon it's like a larger envelope.

Um, and there'll be like a bunch
of leaflets of coupons for like

siding repair and window washing.

But it was like that.

But

like

for like, I don't know,

dudes plowing dudes.

You'll have

to remember this is the pre streaming era.

I don't even know if Red Box existed yet.

To get the

pornography back in this,

you could go to like
these different websites

and you put your

information and you know,
it's kinda like BGI, where you

get like 10 CDs for a scent.

Well, this was kind of like, you
get five DVDs of dude on Dude

Action for the low low price of

49.99,

And at that time I was like
the person who got the meal.

So I guess I just never
even thought about it.

Also, I was 18, of course.

I wasn't thinking about any of that.

I thought I was so slick and I
would just figure everything out.

Because

Anyways,

so

this mail was retrieved opened,

but

I never knew all of this at this time.

I was not confronted.

Instead,

unbeknownst to me,

they gave me a deadline.

If I did not come out to my
mother by Christmas, they were

going to do it for me.

Ah, family, just love 'em.

So you got me 18.

Technically an adult, sort of out,
but still managing which version

of myself I was going to show,
depending upon who was in the room,

relative self-appointed

moral authority.

My mom deeply religious, deeply in
denial, and deeply invested in the

idea that I was still the good kid that

she raised Enter.

Best boy me.

Hmm?

Have you ever heard of it?

Sometimes it's

called like the Good Kid
syndrome or Best Boy syndrome.

It's when a child tries to
earn safety through perfection.

Be helpful, be smart.

Be impressive.

If I couldn't be the son she wanted,
maybe I could at least be the one

she couldn't let go of, that she

could have something to be proud of.

So fast forward to

the holidays.

Reason number, like, I don't know at this

point, 7,000,

why I don't like the
holidays and Christmas.

I have lost track of the number
of traumas that have been just

wound up in tinsel and mistletoe.

But I go home for Christmas.

Um, everything's fine, tense of
course, because I barely called

home when I left in the summer.

Um, very

little interaction with

my, with my mom and such.

Uh, we had a very tense
relationship all the way up until,

um, she ended up passing away.

Um,

but I come home,

I leave for a couple of days during
the break to go, I think maybe

to Chicago with some friends.

And while I'm gone, the
relative decides to out

me.

Because remember, uh, there was
a countdown to Christmas that

I was not made aware of, and
Christmas done come and gong.

So when I get back screaming, crying
accusations, uh, fire and brimstone.

Of

course,

I'll

never forget,

my mom saying, I can't believe
you want to have men climbing

all over you like the carnal.

Depraved aspect of.

Me being a little like
this was just all she had.

I, I think she, it was way
before then, but it was

the

little Nas

Call me by your

name video when he takes a
stripper pole down to hell

and he's doing his best impression
of like Magic City on the devil.

That literally is what my mom, I think

visualizing.

So naturally i'm 18 full
of righteous indignation.

And I'm like, well, I'm
just gonna get my shit.

And I'm leaving.

I grab all myself to leave and then
she's like, no, you don't have to leave.

Just stay.

Stay.

But forget everything that you just said.

Stay, but you're going to hell.

Stay, but don't make me
deal with this version of

you.

Stay as the best

boy,

the good

kid,

or don't stay at all.

so

I left.

After that, I visited home maybe

like four

times between that day
and her passing in 2008.

So four visits home in about

six

years.

And even now in the year of
our Lord 2025, I still catch

myself.

Shape shifting.

I went like a couple

weeks ago.

I was like, oh, I'm gonna
get like pride nails.

each finger had a color of the pride
flag on my, on my hands, and I was

going to like the checkout lane,
or my husband and I went and, and

tried pickleball, and I found myself
subconsciously, like hiding my hands.

I like bags, but I will decide to
wear them outta the house, and then

I'll just like chicken out and stuff,
my bag into the trunk of my car

before walking into a restaurant.

Second guessing

whether

a post is too much too loud to me.

I'm not even closeted

anymore girl.

the closet and

me haven't been in the same
room for over two decades.

But I'm just curated now.

I've

replaced my mother with

my employer

or the

or the internet.

Still trying to be that
best boy, good kid.

Still trying to not disappoint the crowd.

And yet the odd thing is the,
the moments that I say Fuck

it and

show up anyways.

Say the thing, do the dance.

Those are the, the times
that people connect with

the most.

You know, for

years I thought that coming
out was the final boss.

My big bottom, bowser.

Say the words, claim your truth.

Roll the credits.

But the real work

is staying

out,

feeling good,

and living in the version of yourself
that doesn't constantly check for who's

watching.

I'm not hiding.

'cause see, like I don't want
you to think that I'm scary,

but

I am still recovering from the years
I spent trying to be palatable.

If

you've ever

felt like you're performing your
way through life, I see you.

You're not too much, you're not

too loud.

You're just tired of editing
yourself for other people's

comfort and that version of you,

the one that shows up

without shrinking.

That's the one we're actually waiting on.

Okay.

Now that I've emotionally
overshared, let's help someone

else figure their life out.

You know what time it is?

It's time for, can it be

fixed?

Every week I answer a real letter from a

real listener who's

probably just as unhinged as I

am.

Justin: Remember, if you've got
a situation you want kin to weigh

in on with humor, empathy, and
a little side eye, send your

letter to KIB f@brettsandshow.com.

Alright, this week's letter comes
from, oh wait, do you want me

to give this person, pseudonym?

Ken: What are their

pronouns?

Justin: She, her

Ken: Darnetha,

Justin: Okay, Darnetha Darnetha Wrights.

I've been following your Instagram
account for a couple of years

now, and I appreciate how you feel
comfortable being yourself and putting

yourself out there emotionally.

So maybe you can help me out.

My child, who is 14 recently came out to
us as non-binary, and we've been doing

our best to understand and support them.

We've adjusted our language
at home and they've chosen new

pronouns, which we happily use.

However, the real struggle
happened, as part of the last

school year was wrapping up.

Despite our efforts to communicate
with teachers and administrators,

our child was consistently
being misgendered by both staff.

And other students they were even being
called by their dead name and incorrect

pronouns, and that took a serious
toll on their emotional wellbeing.

So I'm curious to know from you, do you
have any ways that you can help me, to

help my child cope with the emotional
impact of being misgendered so frequently?

How can I help encourage them
to keep being who they are?

Ken: Well, not a parent.

I have been a child and I know that
they can be ruthless and school.

While it can be the kind of potential
to be like a truly transformative

environment, I know that there is a lot of
growth and challenges that come with that.

So I think the first thing is.

Really helping your child understand and
affirm themselves and also, and create,

I think more importantly, creating an
environment where they're not seeking

validation out from other people.

One thing about the world,
and there have been,

there's been a ton of

kind of progress and it's much
different outside today than it is

in 2002

when I was in high school.

But

even as change comes, you are.

Always going outside and you're
somewhat subjected to where

everyone else is at that moment.

So having a strong sense of self,
really being rooted in who you are

is super important because it's

one of those

things where.

I think positive feedback and negative
feedback have to be kind of viewed

the exact

same way.

If you're only getting
affirmed the first time

It's going to hit you in the face
like a kind of sack of bricks.

So I think it's really,
really important to

know that.

I.

There are gonna be people out in the world
who don't see you as you see yourself,

and you have to really, truly have a
firm sense of what's important to you,

who you are, how you wanna show up in
the world, so that those times that you

are affirmed, it feels great, but then
the times that you aren't, it doesn't

completely just erode the foundation of.

Your own self-worth, if that makes sense.

So I think you're already
doing the right thing by

creating an

environment at home where they feel
seen, they feel heard, they feel

acknowledged,

but helping build up that, I almost wanna
call it like a social callous, so that

they're able to feel joy, but also be
prepared in those instances when they just

aren't met or received the way that they

intended to.

Work with them to understand that.

I think you mentioned that they
just recently came out, or,

Changed how they wanted to be
identified as, or vocalized the

change in how they want to be seen.

And it's new for them and it's going
to be new for everyone around them.

So.

Unfortunately as minorities
the onus and effort and energy

often on us to help
educate those around us.

So there's a lot of work that
comes with that, and I know

that it can be exhausting.

So going

out into the world and
expecting that everyone

knows the right way to speak to you,

It's

probably somewhat unrealistic.

I think that obviously it is better
and I think more people are informed

than they have been in the past, but
I think you have to know that you're

going to have to do a lot of educating

to those around you, and hopefully you're.

Child has people around them that are
willing to grow with them, but I know that

you're experiencing something different.

So I think it's really about

arming the

kid with the tools and also just
the awareness of the world in which

that they live in, and hoping that
things continue to progress and

people meet them where they're

at.

babe, I'm kind of interested
in your opinion on this because

as an educator you're often.

Seeing kids in like a
different environment than

sometimes their parents are.

I

know that some, in some ways the
classroom and school is like a safe

space for kids to be who they are.

So like how do you see kids kind
of grappling with this and what are

some

of the things that you've done
to help help them navigate

it while still

managing the aspect of you
being an employee of an

organization that is the school?

Justin: Yeah, I mean it's hard,
unfortunately with lots of laws being

put on the books out there, that
kind of bind teachers to having to

be very rigid about these things.

It's unfortunate that oftentimes
as teachers, we wanna always be

able to do the right things and
we wanna be able to be those big,

bold advocates that we can be.

But I do think we can still be
quieter advocates to some degree.

And so I would recommend to Darnetha and
to their child basically to like help.

You know their child.

Find somebody who can be sort
of more of an advocate for them.

If that is a teacher who could
maybe subtly like help in the

classroom to sort of prevent those
situations where misgendering might

occur, or being somebody at least
that like the student can come to.

Can come to and say, Hey, this
was really difficult today.

Can I just sort of sit with you and
be here for a moment and talk with

you about some of these things?

Just to kind of like give them
a little bit of that emotional

outlet outside of the home.

And in those places where maybe it
feels a little bit more volatile.

So my biggest thing is like.

You know, encourage that individual
to find those sort of small advocates

and allies, teachers and students who
can be there to quietly help make the

situation easier for the whole class.

Or at least be that emotional touchpoint
for them during the day so that they

feel like they have somebody to go to.

Ken: I think that

Empathy is truly the thing that
often is missing when, we face

challenges like this,

I just think it's important that

your

child knows that they are
loved at home, and honestly,

that's what matters the most.

And as they go into
the world, they need to

find the

best way to show up as themselves and as
the most authentic version of themselves.

And not go out prepared for battle.

Because I think when you
know that there's going

to be

some adversity, perhaps that someone isn't
going to see you the way you want to be

seen when you're on the defense, I think

you're

just prepared for a fight.

And while I

know it can be frustrating

You are going to get even less buy-in.

I think you'll run into even more

That's hard because that emotional
burden is a real one, but just

try to go out into the world with
some empathy as you continue to

Mature and.

Evolve and continue to become

the full version of yourself.

And knowing that, trying to
figure that all out with any

degree of certainty and rigid at

age

14 is probably really challenging.

It's

going to be an evolving development.

And even as someone who's in

his early forties,

I'm still learning different things about
myself and who I am and how I want to

be perceived.

So I think.

Without some of that rigidity
will hopefully set them up for

as much success as expected,

Justin: yeah.

And before we move on,
Nita, thanks for writing.

Keep loving your kids.

You're doing a great job already.

Just the fact that you
want to be encouraging and

supportive is super important.

All right.

We'll go to our next letter do you
need a pseudonym for this individual?

Can.

Ken: What's their pronouns?

Justin: got he him pronouns here.

Okay, come on, Dale.

Dale says, Hey Ken.

You've talked about some of your work
experiences in the past, so maybe you can

help me with some of my current goings on.

I started a new job about six months
ago, and while I generally like

the company and the work itself, I.

I'm having a really tough time
with my direct supervisor.

The biggest issue is a
complete lack of feedback.

I've tried everything to get input.

I specifically asked for constructive
cri criticism, requested one-on-one

meetings to discuss my performance,
and even tried to pinpoint areas where

I feel less confident, so I could
get guidance despite my best efforts.

I get very little in return, it's
usually just a vague, everything's

fine or a quick dismissal.

Because of this, I'm constantly in
the dark about how I'm actually doing.

I'm feeling incredibly stressed and
honestly, like I'm not doing a good job,

even though I think I'm working hard.

It's hard to improve or feel
confident in my work when I have no

idea if I'm meeting expectations.

And this is my first job where I've
experienced this and it's really

affecting my morale and confidence.

What can I do in this situation?

Is there a way to get feedback I
need or should I just start looking

for other job opportunities,
where I'll feel more confident?

Any advice you can offer
would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks so much,

Dale.

Ken: Dale.

So I think a couple of things.

In general it

is

very

important as employees that when we
go out into the workforce that we.

Exercise a degree of agency in
understanding how success is defined

for our role and especially within the
context of our role in an organization.

You already

mentioned that this is the first job
where maybe you have not gotten the

same sort of guidance and support

as you're accustomed

to, so you're already seeing that.

Being a supervisor does not
mean that you are a leader.

Everyone supervises and or
leads completely different.

And it sounds like you do not have
someone who is big on recognition

providing criticism, either, you
know, positive or constructive.

And so right

now it

seems like maybe the lack

thereof, and in the

absence of that.

You're somewhat unsure
of like where you stand.

What

I didn't

necessarily hear is any evidence of
you doing a quote unquote bad job

or even a good job for that matter.

So it seems like some degree
of recognition, or at least

you know, a KPI of something.

Some sort would be helpful to you so

you

kind of know where you stand.

Because if you were to take everything
on face value, what you've said,

you've not really received any

sort of, negative criticism from

supervisor.

So they may be of the mindset
that everything is fine

and why aren't you fine?

When we talk about success
and how it's defined, knowing

what it is, starts and starts

the interview When you are

interviewing

for Jobs, I know

you're in

a

situation, but when you are interviewing
for jobs, this needs to be one

of the questions that people ask.

I'm a big fan

of asking a question of, after I've
been in this role for six months,

what will I have accomplished?

That is something

that's a little bit more concrete.

It's something that is.

Time base so that

when that six month mark or whatever
timeframe that you utilize has

come and gone, everyone should know
where you stand as it relates to

how you're performing those duties,

if you have

acclimated to that culture and the
responsibilities that you have.

So I think that is something that
people don't do enough of, is

really understanding, you know,
how is my performance measure?

How is success defined?

And oftentimes what I very
much hate that happens is

most companies, the most consistent
performance milestone that is

in place is an annual review.

A year is a very long time to go
especially into a new role and not have

any sort of

formal conversation or even
documentation about how well

you're doing in your job, but.

Many of us, that's the only
thing that the company has.

And many employees will wait and just
get supervisor provided feedback on their

performance and they themselves are not
engaged on how they think they're doing.

Whether your company does, employee self,
self-evaluations, self-assessments even.

So.

That's what I would do if I
could start all over again.

I know that's

not your

situation, So it looks

like you've

already come to your, supervisor
and kind of let them know

that there's something missing

in the relationship

that you guys have.

So

you

have two options.

One of which of course you already
mentioned is to look for another

job or since you've already

made the

investment and the time in your
employer and this role, I think

maybe the onus is now on you to.

Put in more effort to help
your supervisor, help you.

You brought some suggestions to them.

Maybe it's like, Hey, here are
the things that I've attempted

to do to try to make sure that I

know where

I stand and that I am meeting
all goals and expectations.

Since those

Didn't seem to be the best fit for you,
can you tell me some ways and some regular

intervals that we can have touchpoints?

Maybe one-on-ones and that format is
something that they're not accustomed

to, but maybe some sort of like monthly
progress meeting would be more effective.

Maybe it's something that they can't
commit to because of their workload

as far as doing that more frequently,
but they could say, Hey, we could

probably set up some sort of like
quarterly assessment so at least you

know, four times a year where you are.

I think that you're gonna have to
do a little bit of back and forth

this

supervisor

really

them to see that you need, you need some

degree

of interaction with them as it
relates to your performance that

you're currently not getting.

So you've already done what a
lot of people don't do, which

is at least making some of your

known.

Trying to

fine tune what approach works

Both for you and your

supervisor?

So sorry.

It's not like the best situation to be in.

I'm someone too who Constantly
is critical of my own performance

without any evidence to the contrary.

So it may

be that you're

kind of in your head, so I think to the
best of your ability, trying to find

what aligns best with your supervisor.

And then when all else fails, maybe
it's time to look for another role.

But hopefully you'll
know some things that you

can do to set

yourself up for success and really
know how success is defined for

that next place before you make

the leap.

Thanks Dale.

Justin: All right, thank you, Dale.

All right, our final letter today.

She her pronouns.

Ken: Oh, Danity Kane,

Justin: Hey, I'm writing in
today because I'm in a bit of a

pickle with my relationship and
I'd love to hear your thoughts.

I've been dating my boyfriend
for about eight months now, and

things are really great between us.

We connect on so many levels.

And I truly care about him.

The catch is it's a long
distance relationship.

I live here in Indianapolis,
and he's in northern Ohio.

The big sticking point is that
I absolutely flat out do not

want to move from Indianapolis.

My life is here.

My support system, my career, it's all
established and I'm very happy with it.

The problem is his situation.

He works a lot in his
family's company in Ohio.

We've talked about the future
and he is brought up the idea of

eventually leaving the company, but
honestly, I'm just not sure if or

when that would actually happen.

I'm starting to worry
if I'm wasting my time.

I don't want to invest more myself into
this relationship if there's no real

path for us to be in the same city.

How do you do navigate a situation where
one person is clearly rooted and the

others future feels so tied to another?

Location, any advice on how to
approach this conversation or

even just how to manage my own
expectations would be so helpful.

Thanks for all you do.

Sincerely, Dan Kane.

Ken: Thanks Dandy Kane.

Really sad to hear that
your group broke up.

But, there's always hope for the future

as it relates to

your boyfriend.

It sounds like he is open to a future that

doesn't necessarily

include him staying in his same company.

It sounds to me more

that you're just kind of grappling with.

Do you feel like at this eight month
mark, this is progressing somewhere

that it

needs to culminate into one of you moving?

For me, eight months Seems like it may
be early potentially to be thinking

about, is this a waste of time?

When you seem to have a good time with
each other, everything seems to be well,

and everyone seems okay where they're at,

Is he making comments at all
about the potential of you moving?

You know, I know that he's mentioned

that

he's open to leaving his company
at some point, so it sounds

like perhaps there is some.

Clock that's counting down that
perhaps has not been communicated.

So I think it's really important for you
and him to sit down and really just talk

a little bit about, Hey, where are we at?

Where do we think this is going?

And try to maybe get some of
these unspoken expectations

out of your head and, and

In front of him because it, he may say
like, Hey, I think this is great and

I'm totally fine with the way it is, and
maybe we can revisit this in six months.

You know, I think it's a
matter of what are the goals.

Is there something wrong with the
way it's set up today that even

necessitates evaluating where we're at?

I do think it's one of those
conversations that needs

to happen

maybe sooner than later, just so that you
don't get too far along and this whole

time you have had expectations that one
of you are going to move and it's not

gonna be

I think that at least seems like
it merits bringing that to his

attention.

But the other thing I'd say is that.

Relationship is about

compromise.

You seem to have some very, like hard
and fast expectations about location

and where people are going to be.

So again, it's eight months.

It, there's nothing to say that
your position on this may not soften

at some point, but I do think it
warrants just sitting down with a

homie and just laying out on the
table so that you aren't necessarily.

Having concerns or getting worried
about something that may not come

to fruition because he doesn't
care, and he will come and move.

He'll move to where you're going.

Or is it nonissue?

Because he ain't even think
of it that serious like that.

So I think get it out from
in between your two ears.

Have a conversation with him.

Come into it with, Hey, here's
kind of my concerns, here's

why I'm thinking.

What are you thinking about the future?

And don't approach that conversation
with, Hey, I just wanna know where this is

going because I'm not moving over there.

'cause that kind of is
already shutting down

any sort of,

Let's work

this out vibe.

So yeah, you may

sweating

but the only way you're gonna know
is if you have a conversation.

And I think if you approach it
with less rigidity, I think that

you hopefully will be in a place

you

both

know exactly

what you want and you know what the future

Justin: Hopefully in the future, she's
not, you know, saying My heart is damaged.

Ken: Yeah.

Oh,

god.

Big Bop.

Big Bop.

Damaged.

Justin: Yes.

Thank you, Danity Kain.

And that wraps up our listener letters.

If you are interested in getting Ken's
take on something you are going through,

send your letter to KIB f@bretzinshow.com.

Ken: Did y'all see the TikTok where
someone went into Kroger and videoed

the Juneteenth themed, bakery items?

My God.

If here damn was a person, it would be
these cakes because free at sign last.

Is that what we're doing?

Is that how we commemorating this?

Because y'all could have kept that.

One of the cookie cakes just said Free.

The other one said, free June 19th.

Whoever did that shit just called
in sick because they weren't

trying to be at work that day.

But the free Atlas

I know y'all fucking lying.

Dr.

Martin Luther King had a
dream and it wasn't this.

This would probably be his nightmare.

In a grocery conglomerate like Kroger.

Y'all got too much money
for people to be doing this.

Now, to be fair, Kroger has come out
and stated that The cakes and cookies

that were featured in the video
were inconsistent with our provided

guidance and not of the quality we
would expect to see from our stores,

Someone in the bakery that day got that
guidance for the decorations and said, not

on

my watch.

Free at last is crazy.

It's also hilarious.

I just wanna be in the back of
the bakery when someone had their

piping bag and they were just like,

oh bitch,

oh bitch.

the girls are going to be in a

uproar,

or did someone really think that they did?

They big one, like Girl Ally, I'm an ally.

Ooh.

It's so ghetto outside.

It reminds me of the episode of the
Boondocks, where Martin Luther King Jr.

Is featured and he said, is this it?

Is this what I got all
the ass whoopings for?

I'm sorry, Martin.

I'm sorry, Martin.

It seems so, yeah.

If this episode made you laugh, up,
or suddenly, remember that one time

you choreographed an entire Britney
Spears routine in combat boots.

First of all, same.

I see you bestie.

Second, share it with
someone who needs it.

Leave a review, follow
the show, do the things.

We're

building something here

And if you're feeling bold, find me at
bretzinshow all across Beyonce's internet.

Tell me how you show up.

Nail art, crop tops, unhinged
reels, badass deck presentations.

Do people call them PowerPoints or decks?

I

think

I say PowerPoints, but I
also, I'm a millennial.

Thanks again.

And you showed up.

Now go show out.

Bye.